And so I was in utter shock. I avoided having to deal with all these for a few days, hoping that things will go back to it was. BUT IT DIDN'T. Like every other 'dumpee' in a break-up, I tried to win him back for a while but of cos things didn't work out the way I want it.
During the early stages, I could not sleep or eat very well. It was hard to fall asleep at night and I can't seem to sleep longer than a few hours. I often felt anxious and I often check his last seen time on whatsapp and facebook. I was so desperate to the extent that I even purchase some online guide book which teaches people how to attract their ex back. And I was so obsessed I logged into his facebook once in a while to check on his facebook chats. Who's this new girl he met? Is that the new fling? I know I sound crazy but I was lost. (Ok this is actually a bit creepy I didn't have permission to peek and I hope whoever is going through a break up can avoid the urge to do this and please please change your passwords for all the accounts your ex have access to)
He was the only love I knew. He was my best friend throughout my teenage years and early adult hood. We were in a 7 years relationship. I didn't understand all the whys. Everything was fine before he mentioned the break-up, we made plans for valentines' day and CNY visits. I held on for a while, hoping he will come back, I was on breakup forums a lot to read about stories of other people to seek support and to seek answers. We still met up for a while after the breakup but it wasn't easy and I think it wasn't easy for him either. I could still feel the attraction and the bond that we have built over the years. It was hard to let go. The more I try to salvage, the more lonely and frustrated I got. It was also in the same year that I graduated and have to cross to the next phase of life. I have never been more lost and the support that I have for the past 7 years was no longer there which made it even harder.
I didn't think I was strong enough to deal with all these but I did come through eventually. I guess although I love this guy with all my life, I love myself a lot too. Sufficient to want to move on and become happier. For many months, I tried to find ways and means to distract myself. I was watching lots and lots of running man to occupy my time and thoughts. (Thank you Running Man!). I hanged out more with my with my family and find time for my old friends. I meet new people, I go on dates. I have more time to catch up with friends and family. I became closer with certain groups of old friends. All the while, I heard nothing from him (which I'm really thankful for when I think back, at least he's not the asshole that tried to string me along). At that point of time, I still thought of him on a daily basis but I kept it to myself and filled up my time and thoughts with other stuffs and other people.
I learnt a lot in the process as well. I no longer want to us to be back together anymore. I know better what I want in my relationship and what I look for in a partner. I also learnt that there are many things in life that I want and have yet to achieve, my passions, my aspirations and my dreams. I'm working towards that. Still doing a lot of self learning and discovery everyday,
I also learnt that people move on and no one cares about your broken heart. For the first few months, people tolerated you. Avoided mentioning the guy in front of you. Tells you he's a jerk and you are better off without him. But after a while, they get over it. SO REALLY NO ONE CARES! You have to want to walk out of this as a happier person yourself.
So to everyone going through a break up:
Take all the time you need to drown in sorrow, and then heal and move on! Stop making excuses for him / her and face the reality! They do not want this relationship anymore! At least not for now. If you are meant to be together, you will find each other. If not, it just means there is someone much better for you down the road.
I still see him in a very good picture. I thought we shared a strong relationship, we were happy mostly and we had so much fun together. He was such a joy to be around. But now I see it, we are both not ready to get into serious commitment or proceed to the next stage of our relationship. I have nothing but well wishes for him. He was once upon a time, the most important person in my life.
I still miss the times we share. Still think of him (in a gd way) once in a while. But I don't feel broken anymore.
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